Light entertainment

Me

Nothing to do with BBC bias really (well not much), but I read a couple of comments at Biased BBC this afternoon concerning the dastardly anti-Brexit activities of "My Lord Matlock Brown". 

I scratched my brains for a while, having never heard of him, and then Googled around and found it was actually the infamous Lord Malloch Brown, of Gordon Brown Era 'fame'. (Oh, I remember that bounder all too well!). 

My well-scratched brain then set about thinking how that particular Freudian slip on the B-BBC commenter's part might have come about.

So, Kelly Holmes-like, I donned my deerstalker, reached for my magnifying glass, called Nigel Bruce (rather than Martin Freeman any day), and set out (over 1500 m) in hot pursuit of the answer. 

I recalled that Mark Steel's latest (very funny) episode of Mark Steel's in Town came from Matlock/Matlock Spa, and it all then became elementary. 

Yes, that B-BBCer must have heard that very edition of Mark Steel's in Town, and it must still be fresh in his mind. 

I further deduced that that B-BBC commenter must be a closet Mark Steel fan - though I bet he'd never dare admit that at Biased BBC!

I myself have been open about my Mark Steel enthusiasm here before (despite deep differences with the old commie politically), so I'm not afraid (he says with an over-cocky flourish of his violin bow) to confess that my deduction as to the B-BBCer's likely thought processes were based on having listened to that very episode myself. 

(I recommend it, if you've not heard it. Yes, Mark labours the main joke a bit, but it's worth labouring). 

My ulterior motive for mentioning all of this was merely to add to the festive jollity of this pre-Christmas/mid-Hanukkak weekend, by posting (purely in the interest of disinterested blogging, and because it made me laugh a lot) a classic ITBB distillation of a Twitter thread which Mark Steel himself described as "so funny" today. 

It's a list of 'curses' on someone (a politician) who the Tweeter really doesn't like. 

Given that the BBC Radio 4 comedian who is recommending it is a Radio 4 comedian, I bet you can (if you think about it for while) quickly guess just who the particular politician in question is likely to be. 

Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, see if you can guess it right!

(The answer is here: Answer!)

Mark, Man of Steel (Stalin?)

Ignore that if (like me) you rather like that particular politician and just enjoy the 'curses':

• I hope his boiler breaks down.
• I hope he loses his car key, and getting it replaced is a costly bureaucratic nightmare.
• I hope the delivery he was waiting for arrives when he's at the sorting office picking up the delivery he missed two days ago.
• I hope his favourite pub gets turned into a Zizzi.
• I hope his bank makes him change his online banking password to something he'll never remember, and he has to go through a needlessly complicated reset password procedure every time he tries to log on.
• I hope he goes to a toilet in a shopping centre, has a shit, then realises there's no toilet paper.
• I hope he puts a washload on, forgets about it for two days, and when he finally opens the machine all his clothes have attained a permanently damp smell.
• I hope he has to spend a day repeatedly going back to B&Q.
• I hope he gets home hungry, puts a ready meal in the oven while he has a shower, then comes back downstairs 25 minutes later to find he didn't turn the oven on.
• I hope the chip in his passport breaks, so he has to stand in a queue every time rather than going through the e-gates.
• I hope he drops his phone in the urinal, leading to it only working intermittently, but being fine when he takes it into the phone shop to see if he can replace it for free under contract.
• I hope he gets a cotton bud stuck in his ear while trying to dewax it, then has to explain it to a nurse who keeps saying: "You do know it specifically says not to do that on the box, don't you?"
• I hope he spills a glass of red wine on his carpet, then when frantically trying to clean it, knocks the table, sending the rest of the bottle onto another bit of the carpet.
• I hope, while wrapping presents, he slightly misjudges the amount of wrapping paper needed, and has to start over again. Then, when there's one present left, to run out of wrapping paper.
• I hope he's horrifically hungover and gets stuck in traffic with a really chatty taxi driver who just won't take the hint.
• I hope Windows 10 does a massive update on his computer when he's trying to print out tickets at the last minute.
• I hope he's away for bin day after Christmas, and his neighbours don't put his bin out for him.
• I hope his favourite Quality Street is discontinued.
• I hope his hotel room has really inadequate curtains, and there's a streetlamp directly outside.
• I hope there's a little icon at the top of his phone, indicating that he has new messages, but he never has any new messages and doesn't know how to make the icon go away.
• I hope he has to wait in all day for an electrician, and when the electrician finally arrives, he doesn't have the part needed and it's too late to go and buy one.
• I hope he loses the pub quiz by one point, following an answer that is technically correct, but the quizmaster won't allow it because it's not what he's got written down.
• I hope he changes mobile phone service provider to save £5 a month, then realises the reception is really poor in all but the least used room in his house.
• I hope he orders a lot of furniture from John Lewis that he thinks will be delivered ready-assembled, but actually requires a whole weekend of flat pack self-assembly.
• I hope he cuts his lawnmower cable while mowing the lawn, spends £75 on getting an electrician to repair it, then immediately cuts it again in a different place within three minutes of restarting lawnmowing duties.
• I hope he gets a document that's slightly too big for the drawer in the filing cabinet it belongs in, meaning he has to change his entire filing system to accommodate it.
• I hope his credit card company blocks his card as a precautionary measure every time he tries to use it abroad, even though he repeatedly tells them he spends a lot of time abroad for work.
• I hope all the chargers for his electrical devices require slightly different connections.
• I hope the alarm on his phone has failed to go off on at least two occasions, so that he's now eternally paranoid about it not working, and can never get to sleep when he's got an early start the next day.
• I hope all supermarkets remove his favourite sandwich from their Meal Deal.
• I hope every time he fills in a passport application form, he absent-mindedly puts the current year instead of his year of birth, then has to go back to the Post Office the next day to get another form.
• I hope that when he's using the self-service checkouts at the supermarket, he always has just one item that requires age verification, and that it always takes him at least five minutes to catch the attention of a member of staff.
• I hope he orders pizza over the internet, then has to phone 45 minutes later when it hasn't arrived, and the local Domino's branch clearly missed the order coming through.
• I hope he goes to the zoo and all the good animals are asleep inside where he can't see them.
• I hope every hotel he stays in signs him up to their marketing email list, despite insisting they won't when he gives them his email address.

Bank Holiday Fun

There's been quite bit of Mark Steel on Radio 4 over the last two days. Well, two programmes. 

His Pick of the Week made a pleasant change from some recent episodes (from the likes of Liz Barclay and Sheila McClennon) which had made Radio 4 sound like one long, dreary dirge, or like an endless stream of earnest, socially-aware Guardian articles. At least Mark made the BBC's output sound varied, and his affectionately mocking tone made me chuckle. 

Here he is, for instance, giving an example of why he so enjoys Thought for the Day (and who doesn't?):

Hello I'm Mark steel and this is Pick of the Week. Now, as ever when I'm asked to make selections for Pick of the Week I'm impressed by Thought for the Day because about one minute in there's a game you can play, guessing how they're going to jump from talking about that day's news to religion. So this week there'll be one that goes, "Once again at this time of year many children are enduring the somewhat stressful experience of completing their GCSEs and A levels, or hoping for results that will propel them through the challenges of life ahead. And, as they head off with their sharpened pencils, are they on exactly the same journey as Jesus made when he went into the wilderness? For that was a test. Indeed it was God's way of saying to his only son, 'You may turn over your papers and begin now'. Good morning". Now Wednesday's episode was from the Reverend Joel Edwards, and it didn't disappoint:

I was fascinated to read about a young marketing graduate who set up an online English language and cultural course which has gained more than 12 million viewers. ‘English with Lucy’ offers such videos as: “Easily Speak Like a Native!”, “How to Swear In English” and “How To Annoy British Girls In 3 Simple Steps.” Not a verb conjugation in sight. The channel’s popularity points to a form of learning which is shaped by questions from followers from all around the world. It offers a particular kind of authenticity, imparting knowledge which is highly-tailored to consumer demand and firmly sets itself against more traditional courses.

I was thinking, "Ah, language! This is easy. He's heading to the Tower of Babel in the Book of Genesis. This is a simple one". But then...

And as we have entered a new global village of egalitarian truth-telling, which transfers the onus onto individuals to shop around for their ideal of authority and authenticity. Yesterday on this programme, the Wikipedia founder, Jimmy Wales unveiled plans for a new Wikitribune. Backed up by a team of paid journalists, the site will aim to combat fake news by offering ‘factual and neutral’ news. As a Christian, I’m thrown back to reconsider the question Pilate put to Jesus: What is Truth? 

Oh marvellous!! He threw you one way and then came the other way - from fake news to Pontius Pilate in half a sentence! I hope he's on again! 

And as it's May Day (probably his favourite day of the year, when, for a change, he goes on a yet another protest march), here's another bit of Our Mark from this morning's Mark Steel's in Town. He was in St. Anne, Alderney, and on fine form:

You don't make it easy to get here, do you? I thought, "There's bound to be couple of ferries a day from Guernsey", but there's two a week, carefully co-ordinated because the Alderney ferry leaves just before the other one arrives - with anything up to a four-day wait. And what I really like is I think you do that on purpose!  

But the main way of getting here is from Guernsey on a Trislander plane, and if you're not used to it it's not the sturdiest of jumbo jets.  One of the Trislanders is bright yellow and you call it 'Joey', and it's got a smiley face with a red nose painted on it - which is fun, but shouldn't you take designing aeroplanes a bit more seriously?  

The Trislanders have 16 seats, one of which is next to the pilot, and a bloke from the airport calls each person's name individually to get on the plane.  I though, "Oh no, there's been a mistake. I've joined the RAF!".  

And then this bloke holds the door open so you could squeeze in, and within seconds you forget any fear that you had that this thing is too small as that's replaced by the fear that it's too old.  

And three people have told me, "Did you get the one called 'G-BDTO'? That's fun. It's got a leaky roof".  A leaky roof! A plane! 

On my flight there was a bloke hanging onto the door handle, and when we arrived I said, "Were you a bit nervous, mate?", and he went, "Oh no, I know this plane and the handle comes loose if you don't hold on". 

I'm not joking, it was terrifying!

I bet there are Red Arrows pilots who go, "Sod that, I'm not going on a Trislander!" At least when smoke comes out of their planes it's on purpose for a display.  

I think this is how you encourage people to live here, isn't it? You make it really hard to get here but once they're here they're terrified of ever getting the plane back.  

I think you like the old planes with the face because you're like an island of big kids in Alderney. They suit you. 

That's why I love the airport here - the way you pretend that it's like a big airport. Because when you land here the baggage man opens the boot of the plane and he gets out your bag, stood right next to you, but instead of just handing you pick up your bag he takes you to the little rolling rack thing and he puts it on there, but it's broken, so you just pick it up and take in straight back again.

Of Barnard Castle and Beorhtnoth

Barnard Castle's castle

I wonder how common it is for politically-minded listeners to shun any programmes presented by someone whose views seem particularly objectionable to them and, as a result, how many have missed out on all manner of possible delights?

I've never been very keen on the far-Left, for example, so I've always tended to avoid programmes featuring, say, Mark Steel or Michael Rosen.

And this went on for years, until I heard an episode each of Word of Mouth and Mark Steel's in Town and now I try to listen to those programmes as much as possible and have come to like and admire Mark Steel as a comedian and Michael Rosen as a presenter.

Mark Steel's in Town has shown that Radio 4 comedy isn't all predictable, unfunny, self-congratulatory stuff that only appeals to metropolitan types. A recent repeat of a 2015 edition from Barnard Castle (which I'd never heard before) actually made me laugh out loud a lot - and how often can you say that about a Radio 4 comedy programme? It made the Barnard Castle audience laugh out loud a lot too. It was warm and clever. And as someone who's been to Barnard Castle, and experienced some of the difficulties Mark Steel himself experienced in getting to that Brigadoon of County Durham, it all sounded spot-on to me. (And to the audience of locals).

But then I went to the museum, which I honestly didn't know about before I came here. And I thought it would be like a typical museum - the sort of museum you would normally expect to see in a place this size with a stuffed otter and a bone. But it's a French chateau! It's about 30 miles long. It's the sort of thing you expect to find at the top of a magic beanstalk. I don't mean to be rude Barnard Castle but it's more than what you need. The whole population could move in there. It would make more sense if you all lived in there and the rest of the town was the museum. I know you're used to it but to the outsider it comes across as slightly eccentric for a town to consist of a castle, a Co-Op, a shop that sells milkshakes and a building with three floors of original Renaissance paintings. This must be the only place in the world where it's more effort to get a box of matches than to get a Rembrandt.  

The local museum in Barnard Castle

And as for Word of Mouth last week, that was full of fascinating facts about Anglo-Norman influences on the English language.

Laura Wright: For within a generation of 1066, Michael, we're giving up our English names. I mean, this presupposes an incredible glamour, I think, of the Anglo-Normans. So let me give you some old English names which we abandoned very quickly: Ælfgifu, Beorhtnoth 

Michael Rosen: Oh, that's our producer's name!

Laura Wright: ...Æthelflæd, Leofthryth...

Michael Rosen: I like him. I've always liked Leofthryth.

Laura Wright: You've got a weak spot for Leofthryth. Well, we started giving our children Anglo-Norman/French names such as Alan, John, Robert, Alice, William, Stephen, Susan, Christine, Jeffrey, Joan, Peter, Thomas..let me end on Michael...

Michael Rosen: Alright. I'm Anglo-Norman, am I?

Laura Wright: Well, these Anglo-Norman names just kicked out those older ones. I mean, there are very few old English names. I can think of Eric and Edward...

Richard Ashdowne: Alfred?

Laura Wright: Well, that's actually a Victorian reintroduction...

Richard Ashdowne: That's right. A lot of these have enjoyed a new vogue recently. 

Laura Wright: Ethyl. 

Richard Ashdowne: Yeah.

Laura Wright: But we didn't completely abandon our old English names, in reality, because a lot of them continued as surnames. So that Leofthryth is probably still with us as a surname. So, for example, if I give you a name like 'Margaret Cole'. 'Margaret' is Anglo-Norman, 'Cole' is an old English given name. Or 'Richard Elliott'. 'Richard' is Anglo-Norman 'Elliott' is old English. 'Catherine Wolsey' - the 'Catherine' bit is Anglo-Norman French but 'Wolsey' is an old English given name. 

That's very much my kind of thing.

Mark, Man of Steel

Mark Steel

Life can be really strange sometimes. 

Over the weekend I visited my 81-year old dad, and was asked by him if I ever listen to Mark Steel on Radio 4. 

Dad was talking about the Radio 4 comedian's Mark Steel's in Town. He thought it was very funny. 

I said, no, I haven't been listening to Mark Steel's in Town. 

I didn't add that listening to ex-Socialist Workers Party loony lefties like Mark Steel is something I try to avoid on medical grounds. (Got to look after my blood pressure after all.)

He said I should listen to it, and that I'd like it.

I'm a bit ashamed to admit I thought, 'Meh!'

Then today at Biased BBC, a commentator with whom I've had a bit of unpleasant history (and who others at B-BBC have also suspected of being a 'false flag' due to the extreme nature of some of his comments) said that Mark Steel's in Town "really is rather good and genuinely funny" and "if you don’t chuckle after a few minutes you must be dead from the neck up."

Those two unexpected recommendations led me to listen to the two available editions of the programme and, yes, they were rather good and genuinely funny...with only the faintest whiff of SWP-ery. 

I think the problem I've always had with Mark Steel (besides his extremist politics, and anti-Israel activities) is that I've never quite believed his accent. It's always sounded a bit like a put-on to me. 

Now I'm so used to hearing it these days (as, no doubt, are you) that I barely think of it any more, but when I first heard him I simply didn't believe his accent was real.

He made me think of Nigel Kennedy, filmed as a youngster speaking 'posh English' then re-emerging as a punk violin-playing adult with a sub-Dick Van Dyke accent.

Plus this voice (both accent and depth) didn't seem to quite match his face or physique. 

Others seem to have no problem with it though, so maybe it's just me then.

Dick Van Dyke, as Caractacus Potts

Mark's Wikipedia entry, however (which stresses his childhood political awakenings in so convenient a way as to make me DEEPLY suspicious about who actually wrote it), only encouraged me to feel even more sceptical about him - that, plus the way, when socialistic matters crop up, his accent audibly broadens, Mockney-style (a la Tony Blair). 

Hmm.

Still, those two episodes of Mark Steel's in Town were so good - and so good-natured - that I've somewhat warmed to Mark Steel today and now mildly regret studiously avoiding his series in the past (and there have been five series of Mark Steel's in Town so far - not one of which I've thought of listening to).

As an example, Mark Steel took us to Birkenhead last week. 

He described a bar there called Moods and, whether he really "honestly" loved it or not (or merely thought, 'This is going to be great for my act!!'), his description of it was certainly funny - helped by his delivery and comic timing:

It is magnificent. I honestly loved it.

There was just a bare floor, a thin sort of bar, a karaoke machine, with blokes all the time going, 'SHTART SHPREADING ZHE NEWSSSHH, AAARHM LEAVIN TODAYERRAAAGHH' while a woman of about 60 in a very short skirt danced on a table. Honestly.

And a huge bloke rode up and down, up and down this thin bar on a mobility scooter.

I swear this is all honestly true.

And then 'Come On Eileen' came on, so the bloke from the mobility scooter got out and stripped off entirely naked and started, 'TOO-RYE, TOO-RYE-AY'...

Plus, his snippets of historical detail were, as they say on BBC TV, quite interesting. 

Yes, Mark Steel really can be quite good, and funny...

...and you learn something new every day.