The usual Eurovision post

I find that the best way to watch the Eurovision Song Contest, if you feel the need to watch it, is with the sound firmly off. 

BBC News Channel megastar Simon McCoy was on Twitter last night and, I think, must have kept the sound on.

His tweets about it made me smile and laugh. So I'll share some of the best of them with you here, dear readers:

• For this who remember Eurovision tweets a few years ago...if I can find a good bottle of red I shall be live tweeting during this year’s ceremony.
• Just over three hours to go...and a first glass of wine.
• Praying for a power cut.
• Czech entry...that drummer needs to get out more. Do they have a clothing budget?
• Bloody Hell...first bottle of red has gone...
• Russia now. Novocheck this out.
• Graham says he has  a great voice.  Bad night then.
• 48 minutes in... and  A TUNE!!!
• This song is catchy. Like mumps. 
• Do they not have autotune? 
• How did he ever think he was a singer? Na na na na.
• Get a room. With no microphones. 
• Creepy, says Graham. Unfair to creeps, say I.
• I cheered with the crowd just then. We all thought the song was over.
• Have switched to...ouzo.
• Dear Madonna, Mistake, Simon.
• The Norwegian judge said he was just enjoying the show. How do I trust his voting? 
• What’s on ITV? 
• Last. Place. Proud.
• Eurexit.
• Dutch. Courage. That’s what kept me going.
• To all Eurovision followers. Let’s all get a life. See you next year. 

Eurovision (2)

And the pro-EU #FBPE brigade aren't the only ones trying to politicise the Eurovision Song Contest. Haters of Israel are at it too. 

An anti-Israel campaign group staged a stunt outside Broadcasting House in December and the usual Israel-obsessed suspects (Ken Loach et al) wrote to the Guardian (obviously) last week. 

Both groups were demanding that the BBC boycott this year's competition because it's being held in Israel. 

So far the BBC is holding firm, saying:

The competition has always supported the values of friendship, inclusion, tolerance and diversity and we do not believe it would be appropriate to use the BBC's participation for political reasons. 

"Because of this we will be taking part in this year's event. The host country is determined by the rules of the competition, not the BBC.

Toby Young has a fine piece about this in The Spectator. focusing on the sheer hypocrisy and double standards of the people involved. It ends with Toby saying:

If the BBC heeds their demand to boycott Eurovision I will cancel my licence fee.

Eurovision (1)

Now, it's only right on a blog like this to note that 'the other side' is up-in-arms at the BBC for the corporation's decision to ban audience members from waving EU flags at Eurovision: You Decide. 

Only Union Flags were allowed at the event and security measures were taken to thwart pro-EU activist groups trying to flood the event with EU flags.

A BBC spokesperson said: “As a safety precaution we check all personal belongings, including all flags, into studio security while ticket holders are in the studio audience, but do, however, supply the audience with UK flags once they are inside.” 

EU Flag Mafia, the main group that hands out EU flags ahead of these kind of televised events, called it "clear propaganda and against the Eurovision code of conduct" - though that's untrue as the Eurovision code of conduct prohibits political statements, including flags used as political statements.

The BBC were, in fact, following the Eurovision code of conduct to the letter.

What larks!

BBC employees back an anti-Israel stunt

The estimable Daphne Anson notes a recent stunt by anti-Israel activists.

This last Friday, a group called inminds projected a slide show onto the walls of Broadcasting House in protest at Israel hosting the Eurovision Song Contest next year. They want the BBC to pull out of the competition.

The protest group's own website says:

'The projection lasted over an hour during which time many passers by and BBC employees came to congratulate us for voicing their own concerns of how inappropriate it would be for the Eurovision to be hosted by Israel, and shameful for the BBC to support it.' 

"And many BBC employees"? Why doesn't that surprise me?

Anyhow, happy Hanukkah to our Jewish readers!

Eurovision live blog (well, everyone else seems to have one)

Tonight, on the BBC, is Eurovision night.

It's a very BBC's thing. I wonder how the corporation would feel if we Brexited the Eurovision Song Contest too - as, according to YouGov, most Brits want us to do. (Leave would win such a referendum by 56% to 44%, according to YouGov.) I'm betting they'd be in tears for years at Broadcasting House. 

As ever, I've got it on with the sound down and am listening to 'The very best of Thomas Tallis' on YouTube. I keep looking up from time to time though, noticing the variety of very pretty women, androgynous men, token 'blokes', goths and IS-lookalikes competing. 

Infuriatingly, however, the two Ukrainian hosts look like Ant and Dec but aren't standing in the right places for Ant and Dec. 'Ant' is on the right and 'Dec' is on the left, which should never be the case. And, frankly, that alone is more than enough to make me want to join the 56% in that YouGov survey. 

The reason I have it on is because I like the voting. I'll watch any election. I've booked the Friday after the general election off work, for example, just as I did for the last election, just so that I can stay up and watch the results coming in on the BBC, watch the BBC's reaction, and then chill out the next day. 

The voting on Eurovision has, infamously, been political for years and years. The fun is in guessing (not that I'm a complete nerd) who will get the big points from each country and which neighbours will give each other nul points. Some are far too easy, like Romania and Moldova giving each other 12 points or Armenian and Azerbaijan giving each other no points. Greece and Cyprus, notoriously, used to be the easiest of all, but they went all weird last year and didn't give each other 12 points (to universal, nay, interstellar astonishment). And as for the countries surrounding Russia, the big question was who would give Putin 12 points and who would give him nil points. (That's been spoiled this year by the purely political exclusion of the Russian contestant by the Ukrainian hosts - the ultimate political nul points.)  I could go on on...

Meanwhile, I see that Lord Norton of Louth, Professor of Government at the University of Hull, "Dedicated to study of Parliament, comparative legislatures, the constitution, and the Conservative Party", has tweeted: "For the avoidance of doubt, I am not related to Graham Norton. Norton's not his real name anyway". 

And Nick Robinson, doubtless glued to his set (whilst, from time to time, sobbing into his Chianti over not getting the BBC's election gig), has tweeted: "UK entry totally defies spirit of #Eurovision by singing competently. Didn't anyone explain to Lucy who this works?" (He hasn't spelled Lucie's name correctly there, but, no, I'm not going to get AnonAnon accusing me of pedantry, so I won't mention that at all). 

Pre-post Update: Thank Gawd! 'Ant' and 'Dec' have swapped places and are now in their right places. 

That's not changing my mind though. In fact, it's made it even worse. Ant and Dec should never, ever change places. 'Stick to one side and stick to it forever' is the golden rule for all the Ants and all Decs of this world. Swapping around is as ridiculous at the Common Agricultural Policy. Let's take back control of Ant and Dec impersonation, now!

OK, all 26 have sung now and we're getting the first reprises of the songs so I've turned the sound up. Ouch! That was a mistake! Oooh, yodelling Romanians! Lots of people are singing in English though. (Take than Jean-Claude!) Right, it's the midway 'entertainment' bit, so off with the sound again and straight back to Mr Tallis (aaah, and, by chance, it's my favourite If ye love me. Woo-hoo!)

First post-post Update: You may (or, more likely, may very definitely not) be wanting to know why I'm not commenting on Graham Norton's commentary, which might be entertaining or biased or whatever. Well, I did used to keep turning off the MUTE button between songs when Terry Wogan was presenting as his increasing disillusioned mockery was a joy to hear and, after Graham took over, I felt disappointment that he was far less waspish and amusing and have started keeping the MUTE button on. In fairness, I'm now listening to Graham and he's just made me laugh by being sarcastic about the presentation. That's encouraging.

Second post-post Update: Just turned the sound up again. Some man has just stormed the stage and mooned. An Ozzie I suspect, given the flag. A quick screengrab and I believe I'll have scooped the Daily Mail:

Third post-post Update: It's voting time. "Good evening Europe. You've done such a good job. Thank you for your amazing job. Thank you to all the contestants tonight." Ant and Dec are back in the wrong place again. Vote Leave.

Fourth post-post Update: 'Salam', says the Azerbaijan jury head, before saying that "all men" will want to be in Kiev tonight given what they've seen. I think I know what he means. The Israeli jury head, after speaking Ukrainian, said this is the last time, after 44 years and three Israeli wins, and that the Israeli Broadcasting Authority, Channel One, is shutting down "forever". "That is very sad", said Graham. What's that all about? Is Israel leaving Eurovision?

Fifth post-post Update: Hurrah! the Balkans have arrived! Montenegro has voted for Greece already and Macedonia has voted for Bulgaria. BUT Albania has given us 8 points. (I might watch a Norman Wisdom film in tribute to them.) And Denmark has given 12 points to...Sweden. Hurrah! The UK is picking up points from EU and non-EU European countries. We're doing quite well. Viva Brexit! Chew on that, BBC!

Sixth post-post Update: Double hurrah! Greece has given 12 points to Cyprus. Normality has returned. Portugal are winning the jury vote. I like Portugal. Hope, if they win, they aren't bankrupted. 'Dec' has just said that the Moldovan spokeswoman is "beautiful". Graham Norton commented, "Get a room!". (In fairness, the Moldovan spokeswoman was very beautiful though).

That said, the Moldovan jury has just voted for...hurrah!...Romania!! (See earlier in the post). Graham Norton, unlike me, didn't see that coming. He's obviously not a politics nerd - or very geographically informed. (Moldova is a Romanian-speaking country, lest you've forgotten. Some in both countries want them to merge). Portugal look as if they're bound to win - as they have done from the start (like Mrs May?). Iceland have just given us 10 points. I win each some cod and chips in tribute to them. Our European friends Australia have just given us 12 points. Bring on those trade deals! And, take note Jenny Hill and Damian McGuinness of the BBC, Germany have given us 6 points. The Netherlands have given us five points, Cyprus five points. Hungary two points. Slovenia 10 points. Etc, etc. We're getting points from Poland, the Czechs, and others too - and Belgium (Did Jean-Claude vote for us?)! So, so much for that, BBC!! Brexit is doing well for us - better than we've done for years. (That said, Ireland have given us nul points.)

Seventh post-post Update: And Cyprus have now given Greece 12 points!! (Woo-hoo!)

Eighth post-post Update: The national juries have voted. Half of the votes. Now for ze televotes....though Portugal will win, which isn't very exciting...though I'm rushing to Paddy Power nonetheless.

Ninth post-post Update: The UK did much less well in the telephone votes. Still better than Germany! ("Poor Germany, relegated from #Eurovision", tweeted Newsnight's Europhile Chris Cook). We finished 14 out of 26 - a lot better than most years recently.  Portugal won, bless 'em! - their first ever win. I've got a bottle of ASDA Douro wine in my wine rack. I'll crack it open tomorrow. Our oldest European ally!

And on that bombshell, good night. 

Brexit Bang-a-Bang

The burning question on the lips of BBC Breakfast presenters this morning has been, "From horse heads to monkeys, it can only be Eurovision. But will the UK feel the Brexit backlash?"...

...just as it was the question on BBC One's News at One yesterday: "And it's the first Eurovision Song Contest since the EU referendum tomorrow. Will Brexit scupper Britain's chances?"

Yesterday morning's BBC Breakfast also discussed the "speculation that Brexit could affect the UK's chances of winning" and asked, "Will Brexit mean that [the UK] meets its Waterloo?". 

And on Thursday's BBC One News at Six, it was headline news: "You guessed it, it's Eurovision time again - but could Brexit bad blood mean nil points for our Lucie Jones?"

Now, the obvious answer to this question (unless you're doom-mongering about Brexit) is that we've been near to the bottom of the final rankings for most of the past decade or so, and we can't do any worse than we did in 2010 when we came last. 

2016 24/26

2015 24/27

2014 17/26

2013 19/26

2012 25/26

2011 11/25

2010 25/25

2009 5/25

2008 23/25

2007 22/24

2006 22/24

Maybe, post-Brexit, we'll see the UK regaining our pre-1973 heights when we won twice, came second eight times, and only fell out of the Top 4 twice - and never came anywhere near the bottom.

Update: Tonight's PM on Radio 4, introduction: "Meanwhile in Kiev, worries that Brexit will be sending the UK entry home with nul points again."

Paper Review

As Sunday morning sees paper review after paper review across the BBC, here's ITBB's own selection from the Sunday papers.

First, this from The Sunday Times in an article headlined, 'Toe the line or the tartan trolls will get you in Sturgeon’s state':

Others, including the writer JK Rowling and the BBC journalists Nick Robinson and James Cook, have been relentlessly abused online by SNP supporters.

One BBC Scotland journalist said: “The online abuse is one thing but the party’s behaviour is another. The SNP seems to complain about every single story, no matter how innocuous it is. I get the sense they want to bog us down and make us reluctant to ask hard questions. Who wants to be constantly dealing with complaints?”

Then there's this from The Spectator where Fraser Nelson argues that the BBC needs to have the Eurovision Song Contest taken away from it because, as the man who used to run the BBC's coverage of it says, "The corporation is useless at entertainment...and no longer has anyone in its hierarchy who understands it":

Britain is a stickler for tradition and each May we now observe a relatively new one: we bomb in the Eurovision Song Contest. The protocol now is well-established. Our entry is chosen by a BBC bureaucrat who appears to loathe the whole contest.....

The BBC is not the first to try to ask an anonymous bureaucrat to choose a song that is expected to be popular with the masses. This happened every year with Intervision, the Soviet equivalent of Eurovision, which ended in abysmal failure. The difference between the formats epitomised why the West won: ours was colourful, humorous, raucous, and even in the 1950s produced some of the most memorable popular tunes. While Soviet entrants were told to show ‘socialist dignity’, Eurovision was producing songs designed to be sung on the way back home from the pub (Exhibit A: ‘Volare’, Italy’s 1958 entry). Tito’s Yugoslavia banned radio stations from playing music that was ‘capitalist’ or ‘kitsch’.

The BBC evinces the same bureaucratic snobbery and lack of comprehension. 

AA Gill, writing in The Sunday Times, doesn't seem to be a fan of BBC One's Shark either:

Lots of people have mentioned Shark to me, mostly old ladies. They say it’s really wonderful: a BBC nature series that sets out to rehabilitate sharks. This, for some inexplicably pixelated reason, also reminded me of the Labour party. It’s very good, post-Attenborough, Bristol nature programming that measured the scientific against the naturalistic and had just the right amount of fact to awe. And it was well worth someone’s licence fee money — not mine, of course. I don’t want to pay for programmes about nonces or sharks behaving like Chuka Umunna.

Writing more generally about the BBC, he also says:

The BBC is like the Labour party. I know, it’s always been like the Labour party, but right now it’s losing its audience, its way and its confidence, and it doesn’t know whether to go back to its core, Reithian roots or push on and try to be more like modern cable TV. It’s transfixed by the contradiction, and we all wish it well, really we do, but I also wish they made it easier to believe that they knew what was in our best interest. 

I can't say I'm with Adrian though in wishing that the BBC would make it easier for us to believe that they knew what was in our best interest, as we've had far too much of that kind of thing already, thank you very much!

Douze points for...

As erudite columnists at the Spectator, Times and Telegraph are pouring out pieces about the main political event of week on the European landmass, namely the Eurovision Song Contest, Is the BBC biased? refuses to be left out of this mad stampede, so... 

I switched on after 10 o'clock (as usual) for the voting, turned the sound down and watched the results pour in from the Icelandic jury and others. I get to see the points being awarded, plus to smile at the wacky chaps and pretty chapesses who read out the results from each country, which is all I need from Eurovision.

As time went in it became clear that an Austrian act called Conchita Sausage was bound to win - and duly did, thanks to the kind of people who watch Eurovision. 

Conchita - Russell Brand's twin sister, apparently - sobbed like an unrestrained version of Gwyneth Paltrow every time her name was mentioned and, if my eyes weren't deceiving me, I do believe I spotted a certain Jeremy Paxman in her backing group (on his last assignment for Ian Katz's Newsnight perhaps?). 

As a result of having the sound down I didn't hear the boos that greeted any mention of Russia, a land where bearded ladies are frowned upon (especially by bearded men in Cossack uniforms.) The crowd was apparently protesting at the refusal of the young girls performing for Mother Russia to do the right thing and grow luxurious beards. 

All I watch Eurovision for is to play the nerdy political game of 'Guess which country will get 12 points from which other country'. 

Disappointingly, some of the dead certs didn't enter the race this time. The Greece-Cyprus 12-point pact, for instance (no Cyprus), was out of contention and the recent 12-point deal between (Turkic, Muslim) Turkey and (Turkic, Muslim) Azerbaijan fell through because Turkey was still locked inside the stables. 

Still, at least Romanian-speaking Moldova duly gave 12 points to Romania as usual. Hip, hip, hip, hip, hooray! (as they say, cautiously).

Also, the lack of ex-Yugoslav countries and Baltic countries stopped the easy flow of 12 points between neighbours, and made playing the guessing game much more difficult. Only the FYR of M(acedonia) was there to give its 12 points to Montenegro - as I correctly guessed it would).

Still, at least our neighbours, Ireland, gave us 8 points. (Ireland always does us proud these days). Not so our other neighbours, France, who came last (ha, ha!), which can only help boost Marine le Pen's Eurosceptic appeal with French voters.

No, the main political voting this year came from the former Soviet lands. Azerbaijan and Russia gave each other 12 points. Belarus and Russia gave each other 12 points. Georgia gave Armenia 12 points. Ukraine gave...er...oh well. Yes, such a brotherly, happy region!

Those were the results of the Morecambrian jury. 

That's all I've really got to say on the subject, and I bet even that was far too much for many of you.