Caw blimey

I see the Have I Got News For You Twitter feed has been raiding the leftover Christmas crackers:

Human case of bird flu detected in the UK, tentatively called Crowvid-19.

Wouldn't it have been cleverer/funnier if they'd have used Corvid-19 as a punchline?

Plenty Of Offence

As every right-minded person (of whatever gender, or none, or every) knows, jokes aren't a laughing matter these days.

And rightly so. 

If you make or laugh at an inappropriate joke you shouldn't just be ashamed of yourself, you should actually be shamed. 

Publicly. 

Painfully.

Preferably with milkshake. 

Or just get clobbered within an inch of your racist life with one of Owen Jones's highly-reasoned, heavyweight tomes.

And you should then be banned from social media.

And lose your job.

And, hopefully, die - especially if you're also old and voted for Brexit.

*******

I saw a list of the top 10 jokes at this year's Edinburgh Festival today and found all but one of them highly offensive.

To laugh at any of the nine so-called 'funny ones' is akin to abetting genocide. 

It's time to either ban the Edinburgh Fringe once and for all, or (better) to no-platform anyone whose is considered 'funny', as 'being funny' is a gendered, racist synonym for 'being bigoted'.

Let true comedians, like BBC comedian Milton Jones (who gave us the only truly successful joke in the Top Ten), take the truly edgy route of true comedy and attack those who truly deserve to be milkshaked or clobbered by jokes - namely, Brexit supporters, the Duke of Edinburgh and the old. 

"What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh", quipped the mighty Milton - surely the equal of John Milton (another noted wit).

That's the kind of biting, bang-on-the-mark joke right-thinking BBC Radio 4 audiences laugh their well-chosen, vegan-sympathetic socks off about every day on BBC Radio 4, uproariously. So, therefore, it must be funny. 

*******

But, alas, not everyone's like Milton:

For instance, to make a joke out of mental illness is appalling.

We can all agree about that. 

All my multiple personalities are unanimous about that too. 

And France's greatest heroes - Napoleon and President Macron and St. Dominic of Grieve (who are also me, as you probably know) - also agree about that.

The 'second-best' joke this year - "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy" - is, therefore, one of the most offensive things EVER. 

I've spent the entire day sobbing with rage over it and re-reading my teenage Sylvia Plath tribute poem over and over and over again. "Aunty, Aunty, you bi*ch, I'm through", etc.

The white, middle-aged, male so-called 'comedian' behind it should be hounded off every stage in the country and then arrested and put in solitary confinement in the same cell with like-minded bigots like Tommy Yaxley Casciani of the EDL.

*******

The 'fourth-best' joke - "A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. That's 20 cows'" by Jake Lambert - fails to give testimony to the suffering of native Americans at the hand of cowboys - white racists like him. 

This so-called 'comedian' (white, middle-aged, male) is, and let's speak truth to power here and tell it straight, nothing but a racist. 

He - as a racist - needs to educate himself by watching the Disney documentary 'Pocahontas' which detailed the oppression of native Americans (like the story's lead character, voiced by leading American actress and follower of the Stanislavski system Dame Elizabeth Warren) at the hand of white, racist, middle-aged, male cowboys like this racist racist Jake Lambert. 

*******

But it was the 'winning joke' that REALLY made my blood boil. 

I literally couldn't be more offended. David Lammy should find out the white, racist bigot of a so-called 'comedian' who told this and punch his *%^&*$£ing fascist lights out, gently and kindly. 

Arse. 

This *%^&*$£ing fascist mocked sufferers of Tourtette's Syndrome. I stand shoulder-to-arse with all Tourette's sufferers in finding this arse truly beyond the *%^&*$£ing pale: "I keep randomly shouting out 'broccoli' and 'cauliflower' - I think I might have florets." 

I was going to *%^&*$£ing complain but, according to the *%^&*$£ing BBC arse, someone got there first:

People with Tourette's angered after Swedish comedian Olaf Falafel's joke wins award at Edinburgh Fringehttps://t.co/nVcjdgxTds

— BBC News (UK) (@BBCNews) August 19, 2019

Deep respect there for the BBC for doing their woke duty and leaping to make that a serious headline news story.

Thursday Night Quiz

For those who want a quiz and some jokes tonight, BBC favourite Ash Sarkar has tweeted a couple of rib-tickling Islamophobic quips this evening (ambulances required lest sides literally split), and I've been inspired by R Ash to match her - beautifully-sculpted communist finger nail to shabby reactionary running-dog capitalist lickspittle finger nail (so to speak) - with two hot-off-the-presses jokes of my very own. 

So ITBB's quiz tonight is to see if you can guess which two are Ash's jokes and which two are mine. (Warning: I may not come off better):

1. What do you call a halal menu? Allah carte.
2. “Waiter, why is my dessert just the Quran served with a dollop of ice cream? Because you ordered Allah mode.”
3. What is the favourite French novel for Muslims nostalgic for the Caliphate? Proust's 'Allah recherche du temps perdu'.
4. What did Turkey's Recep Tayyip Erdoğan name as his favourite piece by Mozart? The finale of the Piano Sonata No. 11 in A major, K311, the 'Rondo Allah Turca'. 

A final quip beginning "What almost-rhyming Muslim cry provokes panic in most snack bars?" has been banned by Facebook, Twitter and the BBC. 

BBC One Schedule, Friday 19 April 2019

Some people seem to get everywhere on the BBC...

19:00 For the Many not the One Show
Alex Jones and Ore Oduba are joined by Ash Sarkar and The Vamps.

19:30 Still On TV At All Hours
Granville's selling 'designer' sausages, and Ash and Cyril go on TV again.

20:00 A Question of Communism
With Sue Barker, Matt Dawson, Phil Tufnell. Colin Jackson, Jazz Carlin, Ash Sarkar and Dom Parsons.

20:30 NorthLondoners
Louise is put in danger, and Denise and Ash's nail technician shop opens for business.

21:00 Have I Got News for You
Team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop are joined by guest host Ash Sarker and panellists Ash Sarkar and Ash Sarkar.

21:30 Would I Lie to Jeremy?
With Olivia Colman, Ash Sarkar, Jon Richardson and Michaela Strachan.

22:00 BBC News at Ten
The latest national and international news from the BBC.

22:30 The Graham Norton Show
With guests Pol Pot, Chairman Mao, Joe Stalin, Ash Sarkar and Daniel Radcliffe.

23:20 Killing Ash
Ash joins a secret KGB unit tracking Villanelle and the shady organisation she works for (the BBC).

More breaking news

I see John Sweeney's copy of Emily Maitlis's new book has arrived (on expenses?):

Breaking news

First ever pic from inside the BBC Complaints department:

Winnie-the-Racist (A Satire)

Fans of Winnie-the-Pooh will be delighted to hear that the BBC is bringing its CGI magic to bear (oh yes!) on the first volume of AA Milne's stories, Winnie-the-Pooh. 

The series will be broadcast on BBC One, beginning on April 1st. 

Sue and I were invited by Big Mike from BBC Trending to wendle along and attend an advanced viewing of Episode Seven, based on Chapter Seven of the book, 'In which Kanga and baby Roo come to the forest, and Piglet has a bath'. 

In it we see how asylum seekers Kanga (a single mother) and baby Roo, having sailed in a tiny dinghy all the way from darkest Australia, are initially treated with suspicion and hostility by the prejudiced inhabitants of the Hundred Acre Wood. 

The character of Rabbit, who leads the campaign against them, is in this BBC adaptation dressed in a black-collared, tanned-coloured coat which goes down to his furry knees, from behind which his fluffy white tail stands up.

Big Mike from the BBC whispered to me that Nigel Farage is famous for wearing such a coat, and that it's called a 'covert coat'. "Aha!", I replied. 

But, to huge applause from the mainly BBC audience, the plucky pouch-sporting migrants outsmart the dim-witted locals and, in the process, win them over - except for Rabbit, who flounces off in the direction of Watership Down. 

(A curious thing re Rabbit, famous for his many, many "friends-and-relations", is how diverse his many, many "friends-and-relations" are in this new BBC adaptation.)  

Meanwhile, Piglet, after being scrubbed clean in a prank by Kanga, learns a valuable lesson about skin colour and racism. And Eeyore, voiced by Alastair Campbell, is depressed about Brexit. 

And Big Mike from BBC Trending also let slip that Episode Eight, 'In Which Christopher Robin Leads an Expotition to the North Pole', will be about the effects of man-made global warming on polar ice and sea levels, and that this will be followed by Episode Nine, 'In Which Piglet is Entirely Surrounded by Water', concerning a recent incident of localised flooding in the Hundred Acre Wood, which will hammer the point home.

And the little boy at the centre of the story, Christopher Robin, will be shown wearing a dress, putting (vegan) voodoo pins into her/his Katie Hopkins doll, and calling herself/himself Chrissie Robyn. 

You couldn't make it up! And even if you could, the BBC would probably soon outstrip you and make parody seem bland in comparison!

True story

BBC Trending has a piece about Steve Bannon. 

He's a "Proud Scot living in England. Happily married with 3 lovely daughters. Nothing to do with US politics or running the White House etc" whose 'pinned tweet' reads "This isn't the Steve Bannon you're looking for". 

Apparently he's been receiving messages from angry Trump supporters accusing him of treason. 

Though he's taking it all with good humour, I do feel for him. One of my friends at work is called Ayatollah Ali Khamenei and he's always getting tweets from people who think he's a different Ayatollah Ali Khamenei (namely the Supreme Leader of Iran).

Aya (as we call him) doesn't mind the confusion as a lot of the tweets he gets are really very nice, especially the regular very friendly messages he receives from a chap called Jeremy who claims to work in the House of Commons.

True story. And Nick Robinson can back me up on it. 

A Mark Mardell joke

Here's a sarcastic Twitter joke about Donald Trump from the BBC's Mark Mardell to the BBC's Jon Sopel:

(If you don't get the joke, there's a reminder here).

More Boris

I'm listening to BBC Radio 3 now and even they are slagging off Boris.

(It's "Boris", "Boris", "Boris" at the moment, isn't it?)

His appointment isn't a good thing, apparently - at least according to the presenter and 'talking head' on Radio 3.

Oh, sorry, it's Mussorgsky's Boris Godunov (one of my favourite operas) they are talking about. And that 'talking head' is Antonio Pappano. And Bryn Terfel is singing Boris. (And what's with the funny blond wig, Bryn?)

That's nice.

Here's the famous 'Coronation of Theresa May Scene':

Light relief

So, Theresa May? No, Theresa Definitely Will (and other related jokes).

It's a day for videos. And all of the following made me laugh:

Light relief

At the risk of making a small part of 48% of the population rush to their 'safe spaces'...

...and also at the risk of making a joke that many others have already made this evening...

Tonight's football result: Welsh Leave voters 3 - Brussels bureaucrats 1

Breaking news

Two interesting new headlines have just appeared on the sidebar of our blog:

I presume the BBC headline refers to Andy Murray, losing his temper no doubt during a match (as is his way) and taking it out on some passing haddock (as is also his way).

As for the Sky headline, I'm guessing it refers to the former head of the Royal Institution, Baroness Susan Greenfield. If so, it's very nice of her to allow discounted homes to be build on her land. 

Evan Davis and Ed Miliband have breakfast together

Sorry to disappoint you, but I know how much you all love transcriptions - so here's a full transcription of a recent interview between new Newsnight host Evan Davis and Labour leader Ed Miliband. 

No link is available as it was never broadcast. Thankfully, Is the BBC biased? was there, with hidden microphones (great work, Sue!):

*************

Evan Davis: Well, in the spirit of new-look Newsnight, I am here meeting the Labour leader Ed Miliband for breakfast at the Labour Party conference centre in Manchester. Hi there, Ed.

Ed Miliband: Good to be with you, Evan.

Evan Davis: Well Ed, what do you reckon? Should we go the whole hog? Are you up for everything this morning? 

Ed Miliband: Well I want to come to the detail of that in a minute, but I want to make a broader point which is a very, very important point for the future of our country. I believe passionately in the importance of breakfast as a meal. There is a huge danger that many people in Britain are skipping breakfast, and I think that's wrong. Look, let's recognise, Evan, that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. A Labour government will ensure that ordinary working people get a square breakfast every day.

Evan Davis: Indeed, but aren't you a bit peckish? I know I am. Shall we order first?

Ed Miliband: Er, OK.

Evan Davis: Something tells me you're probably not a bacon, eggs and sausages kind of guy. I spotted you eyeing up the prunes and the muesli on the way in. Tell me, is that the sort of thing you normally have for breakfast? Do you want to start with that?

Ed Miliband: Look, I've got to tell you, Evan, I was in Paisley the other day with Johannes Lament and I met a haggis breeder there on the minimum wage called Alex. He said, "Look, I can't afford muesli. Raise the minimum wage and maybe I will eat muesli for breakfast". We in the Labour Party are going to deliver for Alex, and millions like him. No ifs, no buts, we are going to deliver on that promise. No one should have to go without muesli for breakfast in modern Britain. Look, it's alright for David Cameron, who dines on lobster, champagne and babies ever morning, but normal working people should have the right to a decent breakfast each and every day. It's only right. Look, the Tories want breakfast for the privileged few in our country. We have a plan for everyday working people: Muesli for all, paid for by a tax on lobster manufacturers. 

Evan Davis: 'Lobster manufacturers'? What on earth are 'lobster manufacturers'? Anyhow, I take it you do fancy some muesli for starters then?

Ed Miliband: There’s two alternatives here, as I see it Evan. There’s our alternative of saying that that everyone should have a decent square meal to start the day again in our country or there’s the other alternative, the Tory alternative: carrying on as we are, a country where most people skip breakfast thanks to a government that thinks only of lobsters and the privileged few. Look, I’m not willing to put up with that alternative, Evan. We need big changes in this country's breakfast habits. And, yes, I will have some muesli to start with. Garcon! Garcon!

Evan Davis [giggling]: No, no, it's not a French restaurant Ed. We have to get this part of the meal for ourselves. They'll come over and take our order for bacon, eggs and the like later. OK, let's go and get your muesli then, and I'll get my banana and fruit juice...

A few minutes later...

Evan Davis: Well, Ed, you're going to have to face the question of whether you want a full English next?

Ed Miliband: I'm not going to answer in a back of the envelope, fag packet way. Let’s have a proper constitutional convention. Let’s look at these issues. But let’s not do this, Evan. Let’s not drive our country apart because David Cameron thinks it’s a sort of opportunity for him to do it. Let’s keep our country together and it’s very important that we do this in the right way. And I go back to my original point…

Evan Davis: I was talking about a full English breakfast. You know, bacon, eggs, sausages, fried tomatoes, mushrooms? 

Ed Miliband: I've got to say to you...er, OK, yes. Should I call the waiter? Garcon!

Evan Davis: No, no, he should be coming over any minute now. I hear they do a fab black pudding here too? Do you like black pudding?

Ed Miliband: Look, while I was on Hampstead Heath I met a man...

Evan Davis [interrupting]: As you do...

Ed Miliband: ...called Gregory, and he said to me, "Look, I would vote for any party which prefers producers to predators, that favours the squeezed middle rather than the privileged few and that seeks a one nation Britain"...

Evan Davis [interrupting]: Are you trying to avoid answering the question about whether you like black pudding or not? Don't you like black pudding? It's not a bad thing to say that you don't. Lots of people don't. Just say if you don't.

Ed Miliband: …and this is the point. No, please let me just make this point, Evan. What Gregory, who I met on Hampstead Heath, told me matters. It matters to the ordinary working people of Britain...

Evan Davis [interrupting]: Is black pudding a bit too Northern? Is that it?

Ed Miliband: I will have some black pudding, Evan. I never said I wouldn't have some black pudding, though I've never promised not to push it round my plate when it comes. But it's important to say that we can’t carry on as we are as a country. I believe passionately that we can’t carry on as we are as a country. Look, when I was hanging out behind the toilets on Clapham Common one night, I met a man called Gareth. He said to me, "Look, I don't want a country run by people who eat lobster for breakfast every day. I want to be run by policy geeks with PPE degrees and Marxist parents, people who've never had a proper job in their entire lives." I said, "Gareth, I am that man, and I believe passionately that we can't carry on as we are as a country." He said, "That's great, Ed. I'll vote for you then. Sorry, must go though, got the BBC's Newsnight on the line asking me for an interview".

Waiter [to Ed Miliband, interrupting]: Good morning, Mr Miliband. Sorry to interrupt. It's a cracking day outside, isn't it? Especially for this time of the year. Did you see the lead singer from the Happy Mondays walking passed the hotel last night? No. OK then. What can I get you? Would you like a full English?

Ed Miliband: Yes please, but could you leave out the hash browns? They bring back unhappy memories for me. Gordon, and all that.

Waiter [to Evan Davis, winking]: Hi Evan, I take it you'll be having the full job too, and an extra sausage as well no doubt?

Evan Davis: Oh, yes please! Thank you, Charles. 

Ed Miliband: Now, Evan, let me just say that I met a waiter in Manchester just now who said to me, "We can't carry on like this as a country"...

Evan Davis [interrupting]: No, he didn't. Stop making it up. [Message from Ian Katz through Evan's earpiece, "Stop disagreeing. Be nice, smile, and talk more about robots"]. OK, you're such a nice man, Ed, and do you like robots?

Ed Miliband: I'm not going to answer in a back of the envelope, fag packet way, Damon. Let’s have a proper constitutional convention. Let’s look at these issues. But, look, let’s not do this, Damon. Let’s not drive our country apart because David Cameron thinks it’s a sort of opportunity for him to do it. Does not compute! Does not compute! Let’s keep our country together and it’s very important that we do this in the right way. And I go back to my original point…

Evan Davis: I was meaning, which robot do you like best: C3PO, R2D2, Bender, or Metal Mickey?

Ed Miliband: I'm not going to answer in a back of the envelope, fag packet way, Damon. Let’s have a proper constitutional convention. Does not compute! Does not compute! Let’s look at these issues. But, look, let’s not do this, Damon. Let’s not drive our country apart because David Cameron thinks it’s a sort of opportunity for him to do it. Let’s keep our country together and it’s very important that we do this in the right way. Does not compute! Does not compute! And I go back to my original point...It's important to say that we can’t carry on as we are as a country. We need to put the interests of normal working people above those of the privileged few. 

Evan Davis: I'm not Damon Green. Are you have flashbacks, Ed? OK. Tell us your favourite joke then. [Message from Ian Katz through Evan's earpiece: "Good question, Ev!"]

Ed Miliband: Sorry?

Evan Davis: Tell us your favourite joke, Ed.

Ed Miliband: Sorry?

Evan Davis: Could you please tell us your favourite joke?

Ed Miliband: Sorry?...oh, OK. David Cameron's last reshuffle was like rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic.

Evan Davis: Er, tell us another then.

Ed Miliband: Look, why did the chicken cross the road? Because he or she was running away from the predators towards the producers...that means from foxes, Evan...and didn't want to be squeezed in the middle of the road by two oncoming vehicles driven by the Prime Minister and George Osborne.

Evan Davis: Right. So who put the bomp in the bomp-a-bomp-a-bomp and who put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong?

Ed Miliband: Nelson Mandela. 

Evan Davis: Ed Miliband, thank you. Now, do you want to pass over that black pudding you've been pushing around?

Ed Miliband: I deplore racism, Evan. That's no way to talk about Diane Abbott.

Evan Davis: Ed Miliband, thank you.

From Fat Peng to Fatboy Kim

Breaking news...breaking news....Lord Patten's replacement arrives at Broadcasting House...breaking news....Lord Patten's replacement arrives at Broadcasting House...breaking news...