Evan Davis and Ed Miliband have breakfast together

Sorry to disappoint you, but I know how much you all love transcriptions - so here's a full transcription of a recent interview between new Newsnight host Evan Davis and Labour leader Ed Miliband. 

No link is available as it was never broadcast. Thankfully, Is the BBC biased? was there, with hidden microphones (great work, Sue!):

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Evan Davis: Well, in the spirit of new-look Newsnight, I am here meeting the Labour leader Ed Miliband for breakfast at the Labour Party conference centre in Manchester. Hi there, Ed.

Ed Miliband: Good to be with you, Evan.

Evan Davis: Well Ed, what do you reckon? Should we go the whole hog? Are you up for everything this morning? 

Ed Miliband: Well I want to come to the detail of that in a minute, but I want to make a broader point which is a very, very important point for the future of our country. I believe passionately in the importance of breakfast as a meal. There is a huge danger that many people in Britain are skipping breakfast, and I think that's wrong. Look, let's recognise, Evan, that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. A Labour government will ensure that ordinary working people get a square breakfast every day.

Evan Davis: Indeed, but aren't you a bit peckish? I know I am. Shall we order first?

Ed Miliband: Er, OK.

Evan Davis: Something tells me you're probably not a bacon, eggs and sausages kind of guy. I spotted you eyeing up the prunes and the muesli on the way in. Tell me, is that the sort of thing you normally have for breakfast? Do you want to start with that?

Ed Miliband: Look, I've got to tell you, Evan, I was in Paisley the other day with Johannes Lament and I met a haggis breeder there on the minimum wage called Alex. He said, "Look, I can't afford muesli. Raise the minimum wage and maybe I will eat muesli for breakfast". We in the Labour Party are going to deliver for Alex, and millions like him. No ifs, no buts, we are going to deliver on that promise. No one should have to go without muesli for breakfast in modern Britain. Look, it's alright for David Cameron, who dines on lobster, champagne and babies ever morning, but normal working people should have the right to a decent breakfast each and every day. It's only right. Look, the Tories want breakfast for the privileged few in our country. We have a plan for everyday working people: Muesli for all, paid for by a tax on lobster manufacturers. 

Evan Davis: 'Lobster manufacturers'? What on earth are 'lobster manufacturers'? Anyhow, I take it you do fancy some muesli for starters then?

Ed Miliband: There’s two alternatives here, as I see it Evan. There’s our alternative of saying that that everyone should have a decent square meal to start the day again in our country or there’s the other alternative, the Tory alternative: carrying on as we are, a country where most people skip breakfast thanks to a government that thinks only of lobsters and the privileged few. Look, I’m not willing to put up with that alternative, Evan. We need big changes in this country's breakfast habits. And, yes, I will have some muesli to start with. Garcon! Garcon!

Evan Davis [giggling]: No, no, it's not a French restaurant Ed. We have to get this part of the meal for ourselves. They'll come over and take our order for bacon, eggs and the like later. OK, let's go and get your muesli then, and I'll get my banana and fruit juice...

A few minutes later...

Evan Davis: Well, Ed, you're going to have to face the question of whether you want a full English next?

Ed Miliband: I'm not going to answer in a back of the envelope, fag packet way. Let’s have a proper constitutional convention. Let’s look at these issues. But let’s not do this, Evan. Let’s not drive our country apart because David Cameron thinks it’s a sort of opportunity for him to do it. Let’s keep our country together and it’s very important that we do this in the right way. And I go back to my original point…

Evan Davis: I was talking about a full English breakfast. You know, bacon, eggs, sausages, fried tomatoes, mushrooms? 

Ed Miliband: I've got to say to you...er, OK, yes. Should I call the waiter? Garcon!

Evan Davis: No, no, he should be coming over any minute now. I hear they do a fab black pudding here too? Do you like black pudding?

Ed Miliband: Look, while I was on Hampstead Heath I met a man...

Evan Davis [interrupting]: As you do...

Ed Miliband: ...called Gregory, and he said to me, "Look, I would vote for any party which prefers producers to predators, that favours the squeezed middle rather than the privileged few and that seeks a one nation Britain"...

Evan Davis [interrupting]: Are you trying to avoid answering the question about whether you like black pudding or not? Don't you like black pudding? It's not a bad thing to say that you don't. Lots of people don't. Just say if you don't.

Ed Miliband: …and this is the point. No, please let me just make this point, Evan. What Gregory, who I met on Hampstead Heath, told me matters. It matters to the ordinary working people of Britain...

Evan Davis [interrupting]: Is black pudding a bit too Northern? Is that it?

Ed Miliband: I will have some black pudding, Evan. I never said I wouldn't have some black pudding, though I've never promised not to push it round my plate when it comes. But it's important to say that we can’t carry on as we are as a country. I believe passionately that we can’t carry on as we are as a country. Look, when I was hanging out behind the toilets on Clapham Common one night, I met a man called Gareth. He said to me, "Look, I don't want a country run by people who eat lobster for breakfast every day. I want to be run by policy geeks with PPE degrees and Marxist parents, people who've never had a proper job in their entire lives." I said, "Gareth, I am that man, and I believe passionately that we can't carry on as we are as a country." He said, "That's great, Ed. I'll vote for you then. Sorry, must go though, got the BBC's Newsnight on the line asking me for an interview".

Waiter [to Ed Miliband, interrupting]: Good morning, Mr Miliband. Sorry to interrupt. It's a cracking day outside, isn't it? Especially for this time of the year. Did you see the lead singer from the Happy Mondays walking passed the hotel last night? No. OK then. What can I get you? Would you like a full English?

Ed Miliband: Yes please, but could you leave out the hash browns? They bring back unhappy memories for me. Gordon, and all that.

Waiter [to Evan Davis, winking]: Hi Evan, I take it you'll be having the full job too, and an extra sausage as well no doubt?

Evan Davis: Oh, yes please! Thank you, Charles. 

Ed Miliband: Now, Evan, let me just say that I met a waiter in Manchester just now who said to me, "We can't carry on like this as a country"...

Evan Davis [interrupting]: No, he didn't. Stop making it up. [Message from Ian Katz through Evan's earpiece, "Stop disagreeing. Be nice, smile, and talk more about robots"]. OK, you're such a nice man, Ed, and do you like robots?

Ed Miliband: I'm not going to answer in a back of the envelope, fag packet way, Damon. Let’s have a proper constitutional convention. Let’s look at these issues. But, look, let’s not do this, Damon. Let’s not drive our country apart because David Cameron thinks it’s a sort of opportunity for him to do it. Does not compute! Does not compute! Let’s keep our country together and it’s very important that we do this in the right way. And I go back to my original point…

Evan Davis: I was meaning, which robot do you like best: C3PO, R2D2, Bender, or Metal Mickey?

Ed Miliband: I'm not going to answer in a back of the envelope, fag packet way, Damon. Let’s have a proper constitutional convention. Does not compute! Does not compute! Let’s look at these issues. But, look, let’s not do this, Damon. Let’s not drive our country apart because David Cameron thinks it’s a sort of opportunity for him to do it. Let’s keep our country together and it’s very important that we do this in the right way. Does not compute! Does not compute! And I go back to my original point...It's important to say that we can’t carry on as we are as a country. We need to put the interests of normal working people above those of the privileged few. 

Evan Davis: I'm not Damon Green. Are you have flashbacks, Ed? OK. Tell us your favourite joke then. [Message from Ian Katz through Evan's earpiece: "Good question, Ev!"]

Ed Miliband: Sorry?

Evan Davis: Tell us your favourite joke, Ed.

Ed Miliband: Sorry?

Evan Davis: Could you please tell us your favourite joke?

Ed Miliband: Sorry?...oh, OK. David Cameron's last reshuffle was like rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic.

Evan Davis: Er, tell us another then.

Ed Miliband: Look, why did the chicken cross the road? Because he or she was running away from the predators towards the producers...that means from foxes, Evan...and didn't want to be squeezed in the middle of the road by two oncoming vehicles driven by the Prime Minister and George Osborne.

Evan Davis: Right. So who put the bomp in the bomp-a-bomp-a-bomp and who put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong?

Ed Miliband: Nelson Mandela. 

Evan Davis: Ed Miliband, thank you. Now, do you want to pass over that black pudding you've been pushing around?

Ed Miliband: I deplore racism, Evan. That's no way to talk about Diane Abbott.

Evan Davis: Ed Miliband, thank you.