Sunday 20 April 2014

Barry Cryer jokes

Broadcasting House today. Barry Cryer. Jokes. Including parrot jokes.
(1) A couple going out for dinner, and she's in the bathroom trying on a new dress, and she came out of the bathroom and said to her husband, "Does my bum look big in this?" He said, "Oh be fair, love, it's quite a small bathroom".
(2) A parrot in a cage in the window, and a woman walked past in the road, and the parrot said, "You're a fat cow", and she was outraged and complained to the parrot's owner, and he said, "Behave or I'll sellotape your beak up". So the parrot stopped. And two hours later the same woman walked past the window and the parrot said, "You know what I'm thinking." 
(3) A woman walked into a shop to buy a parrot, a beautiful blue-and-gold job, and she said to the man, "How much?", and he said, "Twenty quid". 
She said, "Twenty pounds? He's beautiful."
He said, "Well, I have to be quite frank with you. It's got a bit of form. It's got a bit of history. He was in a brothel and, to put it delicately, he's got quite an extensive vocabulary."
She said, "I'll take a chance on that", took the parrot back to her flat, took the cover off. The parrot looked round her flat and said, "New place. Very nice".
Two daughters walked in. The parrot said, "New place. New girls. Very nice indeed."
And her husband walked in, and the parrot said, "Hello Keith."


  1. As long as Barry is around, there will always be an England.
    May well listen to this-and will forgo any liberal crap politics, if needs be.
    He`s that good!

    1. He had the rest of 'em rolling in the aisles during the press review. Even pc Paddy O'C.

  2. I`ve got a couple of my own...might take time to write them out, but Barry is our inspiration!

    1. Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when a loud cried out:
      "Jesus is watching you."
      Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
      "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
      The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. He looked around frantically. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
      "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" he asked.
      "Yes", said the parrot.
      The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
      "Clarence," said the bird.
      "That's a stupid name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
      "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus," the parrot replied.

    2. and...

      One day a man went to an auction. There, he found an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he went higher and higher and higher.
      Finally, after bidding much more than he had intended, he finally won. The bird was his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot isn't defective. I'd hate to pay this much money only to find out that he can't talk!"
      "Of course he can talk," said the auctioneer. "Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

  3. A man and a parrot are on a cruise.
    The man is a magician and gets fed up with the bloody parrot giving away the secrets to his tricks. The audience mock the crap magician, as a consequence, every night.
    (See his left sleeve?`s down his sock etc, etc!).
    Anyway the ship hits an iceberg and sinks....only the magician and the parrot seem to escape, and both of them sit sulking and back to back on a floating piece of wood.
    No talking-the magician hates the thing, and won`t talk.
    After five days then....the parrot finally speaks
    "O.K then...what did you do with the ship?"

    1. A postman is walking along his new route.
      He comes to a garden gate and sees a sign, BEWARE OF THE PARROT!
      He looks into the garden and, sure enough, there's a parrot sitting on its perch. He has a little laugh to himself at the sign and the parrot there on its perch.
      The postman opens the gate and walks into the garden.
      He gets as far as the parrot's perch, when suddenly, it calls out: "REX, ATTACK!"

  4. Man goes into a petshop and wants to buy the best singing parrot in the shop.
    Money no object.
    The owner gets his first parrot out to sing...he gives a brilliant version of the Barber of Seville.
    "How much?" says the man?
    £25,000 says the owner.
    Good-any others?
    "Yes, I`ll get number two for you"
    Out comes the second parrot.
    A staggering rendition of Panis Angelicus and an encore from Lohengrin!
    "How much?" says the man
    Wow...any more?
    Well we`ve got this third one here.
    Bring him much will he be then?
    £250,000 actually!
    Wow, this `ll be good!
    Scrawny grey old parrot shuffles out, looks at them both and tucks his head under his wing.
    Five minutes later...still not a note!
    Quarter of a million for that old bird?...doesn`t even sing!
    No I know sir...we`ve never heard him sing a note either.
    Thing is though-the other two parrots call him "Maestro"!
    Boom Boom!

    1. A man went into a pub and said to the landlord, "If you give me free drinks all night, I will entertain your customers so much they will stay all night and buy lots and lots of drinks."
      "Oh yes," says the landlord. "How are you going to do that?"
      The man gets a hamster out of his pocket and puts it on the piano.
      The hamster runs up and down the keyboard playing the greatest piano music anyone had ever heard.
      "That's incredible!" says the landlord. "Have you got anything else?"
      The man gets a parrot out of his other pocket and puts it on the bar. The hamster begins to play the piano again and the parrot sings along - sounding just like Pavarotti.
      Everyone in the bar is amazed and stayed all night drinking and listening to the hamster and parrot.
      The landlord is delighted.
      "I must have these animals. Will you sell them to me?" he asks.
      The man shook his head no.
      "Will you sell just one then?" asks the bartender.
      "OK, I'll sell you the parrot for £100" the man says.
      The landlord is delighted and hands over the money.
      Another man standing next to the man who owned the hamster said, "You're a bit stupid selling that clever parrot for only £100".
      "No I'm not," the man replied. "The hamster is a ventriloquist".

    2. A penguin walks into a pub and asks the barman "has my brother been in tonight?"
      Barman replied " Dunno. What's he look like?"


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