Cutting Edge comedy from Kardashian-bottomed, camp comedian Joe Lycett.
Think Julian Clary meets Frankie Howard, and, should you bother to read this stream of consciousness monologue, imagine lots of squealing and “Oooh missus”.
The only funny thing about it was that it came on BBC 2 straight after “Muslims like Us”. That almost made me laugh, anyway.
“I wanna talk about Birmingham ‘cos I’m from Birmingham. Anyone from Birmingham in? I know I don’t have the accent - never had it - I was watching Fox News the other week - the reputable news source that is Fox News - and they described Birmingham as one hundred percent Muslim. Salaam Alaikum - Alaikum Salam, that’s what you say in, don’t worry we’ll work it out.
I was interested in that, you know, ‘cos, one hundred percent Muslim, true you know, all cultures, multicultural, we’re good at it you know. One of the most famous Muslims in Birmingham is Malala Yousafzai, I don’t know if you’re familiar with.. ..yes, yes, she is.
If you don’t know who she is, she’s an 18 year old schoolgirl who was shot at by the Taliban for wanting to be educated.
She now goes to Edgbaston High School for girls. It’s a private school - I don’t think she pays the fees - I’m certain we would hate to go to school with Malala Yousefzai ..
Can you imagine ‘show and tell’ day with Malala? Like, okay class what have you brought in, Sally let’s start with you, and Sally goes I’ve brought in a papier mache cat - okay, um, has anyone else brought anything in … Malala, did you bring anything in? This Nobel Peace Prize” (applause)_ Sally, you’re a piece of shit yes - I’d hate to be a teacher as well, you’d never be able to tell Malala off for anything - what are you going to do? What are you doing Malala? Texting Barack Obama actually, Oh, well um, Sally, you’re a piece of shit.
Poor Sally, no I made her up. No, I was annoyed about that, I was annoyed when they said we’re a hundred percent Muslim because when they say things like that there’s a subtext to that isn’t there, when they say they’re 100% Muslim - what they should be saying there is that we should be worrying about that - that there something terrifying - about Muslims.
I think we’ve got a problem - I think we’re using the word ‘Muslims’ far too quickly to describe people doing atrocities when they don’t represent Muslims any more than I do.
And I think we should be using a more accurate word for those people, which I’m going to argue, is knob-head. (rapturous applause)
A political rally this is - different levels of knob-head - the moderate knob-head all the way up to fundamental knob-head and if we all did it the news would have to catch up, they’d go ‘today two knob-heads bombed a car’ - and it wouldn’t necessarily be to do with terrorist activities - not just that. Any non knob heady activity would get the knob-head word. I thought of some - um- people that wear a festival wrist band. After a festival!
What a wit, eh?