(Mostly garnered from this amusing corny Twitter feed. One I heard a few times on my holiday in Spain. Can you guess which one?)
- Took the shell off my racing snail. Thought it might speed him up. If anything, it made him more sluggish.
- My wife accused me of being a transvestite. So I packed her things and left.
- Have YOU had to walk 500 miles? Were you advised to walk 500 more? You could be entitled to compensation. Call the Pro Claimers now!
- A Muslim strip club in Benidorm. The Muslim stripper comes out. The crowd gets rowdy. Suddenly someone cries out, 'Come on love, show us your face!'. And then the chant goes up, 'Get your nose out for the lads!'
- I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?" I said, "Homer's a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair".
- My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what? She couldn't do either!
And the biggest joke of all...
- If you don't have a TV licence, you could get sent to prison...where you can watch TV all day, without needing a licence.