Panel Show

Harry and Paul's The History of the Twos was the funniest thing I've seen on BBC television in years. James Delingpole called it 'comedy genius', and it was. 

Possibly my favourite section was their whistle-stop tour round the world of HIGNFY, QI, Mock the Week, The Unbelievable Truth and Never Mind the Buzzcocks, full of uncanny, funny impersonations which really need to be seen to get the full effect. (And, yes, they do go on about The Daily Mail a lot, don't they?)

Still, for those who love reading scripts instead...

PAUL SOMEONE (Head of Comedy): I think in comedy the cheapest show..I mean the best show.. has to be Panel Show.

ANGUS ANGUSSON: Hello and welcome to Panel Show. This week I'm going to be sacked for shagging about. 

BORIS YELTSIN: And replaced by me. Ian, for whom did everything go wrong this week?

IAN HISLOP: The government.

DAVID MITCHELL: Is it Boris Johnson, the tousle-haired shagger?

BORIS SHAGGER: Boyish coy look.

SARAH SILLIGAN: I love Poundland and potatoes and I have periods.

DARA O REA:  Rude word!

UNCOMFORTABLE JOURNALIST: I think that what actually happened was the government...

PAUL MERTON: Is it a dolphin in a bathtub?

IAN HISLOP: Wasn't it...total cock-up...er...the government?

STEPHEN FRY: And the interesting thing about the government is that it has 428 on each tentacle which allows it to eat its own regurgitated sick. Alan, look like an overripe strawberry!

DARA O DEAR: What did Ed Miliband this week?

IAN HISLOP: Er...Ed Miliband. Total cock-up.

UNCOMFORTABLE JOURNALIST: I think what actually happened was Ed Miliband, bad misjudgement which was amusing...

PAUL MERTON: Is it a dolphin in a bathtub?

DAVID MITCHELL: Russell, oh my God, The Daily Mail?

RUSSELL SOMEBODY: Oh. My. God. The Daily Mail!

RUSSELL SOMEBODY ELSE: Oh my God, The Daily Mail!

ANDY DIDDY HAMILTON: oh my god, the daily mail.

DIDDY ANDY PARSONS: OH MY GOD, THE DAILY MAIL!!!

IAN HISLOP: The Daily Mail, Boris Johnson and a couple of slappers. 

BORIS BIG JOHNSON: Boyish coy look.

UNCOMFORTABLE JOURNALIST: What actually happened was that The Daily Mail, Boris Johnson.... 

PAUL MERTON: Is it a dolphin in a bathtub?

DAVID MITCHELL: Oh my God, The Daily Mail! Total Nazis! 

STEPHEN FRY: And the interesting thing about the Nazis is they actually won the Second World War but it was changed in the film. Alan. Strawberry!

DIDDY ANDY HAMILTON: The interesting thing about the Nazis is there's actually no 't' in it. It should actually be pronounced 'Narzis'. 

DAVID MITCHELL: Diddy Andy Hamilton, please sneer at Ann Widdecombe. 

DIDDY ANDY HAMILTON: Ann Widdecombe.

DIDDY ANDY PARSONS: ANN WIDDECOMBE! Urghhh!!

UNCOMFORTABLE JOURNALIST: And the truth about Ann Widdecombe... 

PAUL MERTON: Is Ann Widdecombe a dolphin in a bathtub?

NATIONAL TREASURE: The interesting thing about Ann Widdecombe is that it's pronounced 'Anne Waddicum' in parts of Scotland and 'Nan Wickham' in parts of Wickham.

SARAH SILLIGAN: And I spend me evenings cuddling me cushion which is more fun than me boyfriend and it hides me kirk shelf.

DIDDY ANDY PARSONS: OH MY GOD, THE DAILY MAIL!!!

NOEL FIELDING: Can we bully some old people now?

MARK LAMARR: Number One's an ugly ginge. Number Two's ugly and stupid. Number Three's ugly, stupid and mental. Number Four's an ugly, stupid, mental wanker. Number Five's an ugly, stupid, mental wanker paedophile.

PHIL YOURANUS: Number Five's definitely a paedo. 

NOEL FIELDING:  A wonky-eyed wanker paedo. I'm going to throw a brick at him. Look, I've cut his head open!

MARK LAMARR: It's Number Five, the ugly, stupid, mental, wonky-eyed wanker paedophile!

IAN HISLOP: Disapproving look.

SARAH SILLIGAN: Stop, stop, stop, stop starting and start stopping!

DIDDY ANDY PARSONS: OH MY GOD, THE DAILY MAIL!!!

DAVID MITCHELL: Good night.