As the polls close in the Scottish independence referendum, here are a selection of topical jokes that you are very unlikely to have heard on Radio 4's The Now Show.
They might be Frankie Boyle jokes. Or they might not be. Probably the latter...
Hearing the independence vote is going to be incredibly tight. So definitely Scottish then.
How many Scots does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. From Thursday they will be back to candles.
Alex Salmond needs to find a way of keeping voters out of pubs and get them into the polling stations in Glasgow on Thursday. The police helicopter is gonna be busy .
I asked Abdul next door if he thought Scotland should be independent. "Of course they should," he said, "what right has a minority group living there got to try and make them live by their rules and culture. It's disgraceful."
I was talking politics in the pub with a Scotsman today and he said, "They can stick their referendum where the sun don't shine!" I replied, "Er, it's already being held in Scotland mate."
There was a further setback for the Scottish Independence campaign today. The Loch Ness monster has stated he's relocating to the Lake District in the event of a Yes vote.
I thought that Alex Salmond had a huge chip on his shoulder but I now realise that it's his massive potato-shaped head.
The Scottish Referendum. The NO campaign has had a huge boost as Greggs the Bakers threaten to quit Scotland if they gain independence.
A poll of people in London on Scottish independence has been released. 25% think Scotland should vote no to independence. 25% think Scotland should vote yes to independence. And the rest of London don't give a toss so long as they follow England towards being an Islamic state.
If Scotland gains its independence after the forthcoming referendum, the remainder of the United Kingdom will be known as the "Former United Kingdom" (F U K). In a bid to discourage Scots from voting 'yes' in the referendum, the Westminster has now begun to campaign with the slogan: "Vote NO, for F U K's sake."
