Sunday 18 January 2015

Samantha has to nip out now...

And as it's Sunday....

Here's a selection of classic jokes from the one Radio 4 comedy programme that even the Prophet Mohammad would find funny, I'm Sorry, I Haven't a Clue.

Enjoy them while you can as rumour has it that Samantha is to be replaced next series by...Nabila Ramdani.

(My source say that the kindly old archivists have already met her, but they haven't been very welcoming, claiming Nabila has already begun rubbing them up the wrong way. She says she had to give them a good mouthful, and that soon put them straight.)
Samantha tells me she has to nip out now as she's been invited to an exclusive club to meet a group of aristocrats. She's very excited to see where all the big knobs hang out. She says at such a posh function she and the other girls will probably end up trying to speak with plums in their mouths. 
Samantha is a qualified croupier and often works at an exclusive Soho club where gamblers pay top money to pay roulette all day and poker all night.
Samantha has to nip out now as she's off to see her new American gentleman friend. He's a cattle trader, and as Samantha is keen to buy a prime example, she's been saving up. Excitingly, she'll soon be in a position to receive her first Texan Longhorn. 
Samantha is off on a dinner date with a gentleman friend from Moscow who's brought over a variety of caviars and an array of vodka-based aperitifs. She says he's going to offer her delicious food in his hotel room and then liquor out on the balcony.
Samantha has to leave now as she's hosting a traditional Cockney music and dance night with a pearly king and queen at a nearby pub. All the locals are saying they can't wait to see her knees up round the King's Head.
Samantha tells me that she has to nip off to a special Welsh Conservative Association dinner for their most senior MP, who's name is said to be almost impossible to pronounce. She's certainly found the longest standing Welsh member a bit of a mouthful.
Samantha tells me she has to go now as she needs to nip out and see her local pharmacist. He keeps a wide range of tanning cream for her legs and he's always happy to spread them out for her on the counter.
Samantha has to nip out to meet a nice old colonel who's promised to show her his parade ground, and might even let her inspect his privates.
Our resident IT expert, Samantha, tells me she has to nip out to meet a young man who's having problems configuring his new PC. She says he's just called to say his zip is down, his floppy keeps popping out and he feels he needs more bytes on it.
Samantha has to go now as she's off to meet her Italian gentleman friend who's taking her out for an ice cream. She says she likes nothing better than to spend the evening licking the nuts off a large Neapolitan.
Viva Samantha!


  1. Is there a helpline that I can report us all to?...can share the compo for my hurt feelings if you like.
    Have handed myself in for counselling-with an option on a Carribean re-education camp as she sails from the Azores mext month!

  2. Having seen such a lot of Nabila Ramdani in recent weeks, I feel like I know her.

    I think that if there's one thing we can safely say about her, it's that she's obviously got a cracking sense of humour.

    Those things on her forehead, which some people take to be frowns, are actually laughter lines which have strayed upwards because of so much laughing.

    I bet she finds ISIHAC an absolute hoot and can take off Barry Cryer's laugh to a tee.

  3. This is an example of an Algerian joke I got off the internet. A bit difficult to follow but I think you'll get the punchline:

    The Joke - Batata (ALgerian Humor, Joke in Arabic):

    Un m3assakri sells el batata with his daughter in a mazda (truck) in a douar, one day a guy comes to ask him to marry his daughter, the m3assakri answers: ok at one condition that the wedding parade would be done in silence... The guy was astonished but accepts anyway. The day D arrives and the parade starts in silence... WHile getting out of the douar, and when they arrived to the guy's city roublou da3wa with les clakson alors the bride kharjèt her head mèn la fenêtre ta3 l karoussa w bdat : batataaa batataaaa!!

    1. Hmm, yes. Well, I think I'll give the Algerian version of 'ISIHAC' a miss then.

    2. Apparently, there already is an Algerian version of 'I'm Sorry, I Haven't a Clue'. Or so I read on the internet.

      Its panelists include Abdel Bari Cryer, Osama bin Garden and Mohammad-Brooke-Mohammad.

  4. For such a well travelled girl I find it strange that Samantha has no Muslim friends.

  5. Samantha's sister, Amanda, recently got married in Algeria, high in the Atlas mountains and Samantha travelled out there to witness the ceremony. As you know, the quaint custom there after a wedding is to celebrate by firing their machine guns into the air. Sadly when the groom came to fire his gun it jammed. There was also an annoying heckler from another tribe who objected to the wedding and was shouting his disapproval.

    Fortunately, Samantha, who has no time for such interventions, and moreover had trained with the SAS in the Brecon Beacons and was thus an expert on machine guns, was able to silence the company and rescue the situation with some sage advice.

    "Shut up! Heckler...and Kochs should be held steadily with the left hand on the barrel until the moment of discharge."


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