Saturday 11 January 2020

Just One More Thing

Not BBC-related in the slightest, but here's a story I read a few morning ago on the Twitter. I'm posting it here as it's very entertaining. It comes from stand-up comedian Ignacio Lopez and it's a true story. Enjoy! 


Witnessed the most amazing thing on the train to Edinburgh yesterday. A guy boarded in Wigan & sat opposite me. He went to sleep for an hour.

When he woke up he bought a sandwich, ate it & went back to sleep. (This isn’t a maths test, you don’t need to know the distance/speed).
Later, the train guard is walking through, checking tickets, and gently wakes the guy.
“Can I see your ticket, please?”
“Oh, I need to buy a ticket.”
“Where you going, pal?”
The guy glances at his phone.
“Where did you get on?”
I can see the cogs working in this guy’s head. He figures out roughly where we are and what the last stop was.

The train guard sits down next to him and pauses.
“Are you sure you didn’t get on sooner?”
The guy is wondering if the guard saw him earlier. He decides to go for it. Poker face time.

I feel like I’m watching Pacino & De Niro face off in ‘Heat’.

“I got on in Carlisle”.

The train guard furrows his brow, puts his ticket machine down and picks up a receipt from the table in front of the guy.

“This train stopped in Carlisle 10 minutes ago, but this receipt was issued over an hour ago.”
Holy shit! Train Guard has evidence.
Wasn’t this supposed to be made available to the defence team?

I can see the beads of sweat forming on the guy’s forehead.
“That’s not mine.” (Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, the evidence the prosecution have is circumstantial).
“This receipt is for a sandwich, you’ve got crumbs all over you.”

He does, too! The train guard is Sherlock Holming the crap out of this. The guy might has well have had mayo on his face. What a plum!
“That’s not mine. I had a sandwich in Carlisle”.
Damn. He’s denying everything. Is the train guard going to inspect the sandwich packaging?

“Carlisle to Edinburgh, that’s £27. Cash or card?”
😧 He’s... he’s got away with it. Gutted. Really thought the train guard had him.

The guy pulls out his wallet & slides over his debit card. There’s a definite air of smugness, he put the card on the table like it was a platinum credit card.
Oh well, I guess he’s evaded justice this time.
The train guard is looking at the card very closely.

The guy appears confused.
Maintaining eye contact with the perp, the train guard puts the card down next to the receipt.
“This is the same card used to buy the sandwich, sir.”

The guy’s eyes are darting back and forth from the guard to the card.
“No.... what?”
“The last four digits are printed on the receipt.”
Sweet Falk! He’s got him!
The guy’s shoulders slump. No response. Completely dumbfounded.
“... and I’m sure if I checked the camera footage we’d see you getting on earlier and buying that sandwich”.
“I fell asleep. I was a bit spaced out.”
“No problem, sir. Where did you get on?”
“That’ll be £71, please, sir.”
The guy didn’t sleep again after that. He spent the rest of the journey staring down at that receipt.

I mean, the real crime here is the price of rail travel but, wow. What a trip.
By night I’m a comedian, but by day, I’d like to be shooting a Columbo movie with Mark Ruffalo in the main role and Suzy Bennett as exec producer. Give me a chance, Hollywood, you cowards.


  1. Of course Lopez could have said, "Excuse me, he got on at Wigan".

    1. "Sorry mate you must have confused me with another guy. I got on at Carlisle."

  2. Online tix : Wigan to Edinburgh is mostly £29, sometimes £24.50
    Carlisle to Edinburgh is mostly £10, sometimes £8.50
    (those fares are way cheaper than our local fares, I wouldn't even think of using a train)
    So to me it's strange that someone would get on without a ticket and be prepared to pay £37

    And anyway how can you use a mainline train without a ticket ? thats a small station on a branch line thing.

    1. Even if I could afford to use a train, there is no way I'd buy a sandwich on one
      So why would a guy who needs to save money buy a megapriced train sandwich ?

    2. Yes Avanti West Coast just told me
      "Customers would need to purchase a ticket prior to boarding a service.
      They can be purchased at the station or online."

    3. Ah they just added
      "If there aren't barriers or staff to check tickets at the station, passengers can board the train and will be charged by the Train Manager onboard.
      The guard would charge for an Anytime-Ticket"
      .. and yes that ticket costs £71

      but as far as I see the machine sells tickets for £29 so why didn't the guy buy that ?
      Maybe he was hoping to escape the guard completely


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