Douze points for...

As erudite columnists at the Spectator, Times and Telegraph are pouring out pieces about the main political event of week on the European landmass, namely the Eurovision Song Contest, Is the BBC biased? refuses to be left out of this mad stampede, so... 

I switched on after 10 o'clock (as usual) for the voting, turned the sound down and watched the results pour in from the Icelandic jury and others. I get to see the points being awarded, plus to smile at the wacky chaps and pretty chapesses who read out the results from each country, which is all I need from Eurovision.

As time went in it became clear that an Austrian act called Conchita Sausage was bound to win - and duly did, thanks to the kind of people who watch Eurovision. 

Conchita - Russell Brand's twin sister, apparently - sobbed like an unrestrained version of Gwyneth Paltrow every time her name was mentioned and, if my eyes weren't deceiving me, I do believe I spotted a certain Jeremy Paxman in her backing group (on his last assignment for Ian Katz's Newsnight perhaps?). 

As a result of having the sound down I didn't hear the boos that greeted any mention of Russia, a land where bearded ladies are frowned upon (especially by bearded men in Cossack uniforms.) The crowd was apparently protesting at the refusal of the young girls performing for Mother Russia to do the right thing and grow luxurious beards. 

All I watch Eurovision for is to play the nerdy political game of 'Guess which country will get 12 points from which other country'. 

Disappointingly, some of the dead certs didn't enter the race this time. The Greece-Cyprus 12-point pact, for instance (no Cyprus), was out of contention and the recent 12-point deal between (Turkic, Muslim) Turkey and (Turkic, Muslim) Azerbaijan fell through because Turkey was still locked inside the stables. 

Still, at least Romanian-speaking Moldova duly gave 12 points to Romania as usual. Hip, hip, hip, hip, hooray! (as they say, cautiously).

Also, the lack of ex-Yugoslav countries and Baltic countries stopped the easy flow of 12 points between neighbours, and made playing the guessing game much more difficult. Only the FYR of M(acedonia) was there to give its 12 points to Montenegro - as I correctly guessed it would).

Still, at least our neighbours, Ireland, gave us 8 points. (Ireland always does us proud these days). Not so our other neighbours, France, who came last (ha, ha!), which can only help boost Marine le Pen's Eurosceptic appeal with French voters.

No, the main political voting this year came from the former Soviet lands. Azerbaijan and Russia gave each other 12 points. Belarus and Russia gave each other 12 points. Georgia gave Armenia 12 points. Ukraine gave...er...oh well. Yes, such a brotherly, happy region!

Those were the results of the Morecambrian jury. 

That's all I've really got to say on the subject, and I bet even that was far too much for many of you.