Sunday 15 February 2015

Laugh and the world laughs with you. (Yeah, right!)

As the news (and this blog) are rather heavy at the moment, it's time for a few jokes.

And in the interests of promoting free speech and provocative, controversial websites that would make Mark Mardell have recourse to the smelling salts, here are some jokes from one of the funniest sites on the internet

Please put aside all thought of worthy BBC comedians, raise a large glass of absinthe, toast Voltaire and Charlie, and enjoy...


Valentine's Day offers at Wetherspoons - because sometimes your special someone isn't that special.

I saw a UFO yesterday. So I quickly grabbed the worst camera I own to film it with.

I was the only bloke in a pre-screening of Fifty Shades of Grey, but I could tell it was going to be a good film...The place was buzzing.

50 Shades of Grey banned by Indonesia. "We cannot condone this depravity," said Muhammad Abdul, accompanied by his 9-year-old wife, Aisha.

This Valentine's Day, I will almost certainly be inundated. Sorry. In, undated.

Condolences to the family of King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia. Temper your sadness with the thought: Not so much losing a loved one as gaining a spare tea towel.

I was at a job interview today.
The interviewer said to me, "On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery."
I said, "That's correct."
He said, "Would you like to elaborate?"
I said, "No."

My mum said, "You treat this place like a hotel!" She will regret that when I give her a low score on TripAdvisor for 'rude staff'.

My dad always said to me, "Take it with a pinch of salt." Nice man. Made horrible tea.

"If the mountain won't come to Mohammed, then Mohammed must go to the mountain"...I think someone needs to tell Mohammed that England is NOT the mountain...

The Tories are going to stop benefits for alcoholics, drug addicts and the obese. In other words, Scottish Independence by the back door.

Fat people. You can't run, but you can't hide either.

Someone ripped the pages out of both ends of my dictionary today. It just goes from bad to worse!

I'm going to set up my own religion, one where it's important to respect other people's beliefs, learn to take criticism on the chin like an adult, wash regularly, treat women and children as equals and never kill anyone under any circumstances. It's a non-Prophet organisation.

The inventor of the disappointing punchline has died. His funeral will be held on Tuesday at 2pm. 

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